Let's Destabilise the Share Market!
Disclaimer
If your some fucking stupid fucking idiot who gets all their advice from the internet, don't come whinging to us when your neighbour down the road makes a fortune on speculative technology stocks and right after you unloaded them on the basis of this article. If your too stupid to live, consider another profession.
A Brief History
The Share Market has been on a bull run since 1992. Since that date, the 'mum and dad' investors have jumped onto the share market in a big way. The impetus has been on-line trading, and in Australia, the sell off of Telstra, our great public phone carrier. Now for most of these new investors, the only thing they know is that shares:
a) Go up in value
b) Always go up in value
Now, us in the know realise that Alan Greenspan has not revoked the laws of stock markets, which means one day it's all going to come crashing down. So, in the interests of public welfare, let's prove to the universe planet Earth is learning. Think about it: last century, it took us 30 years to destory the stock market and start the Great Depression. Why wait thirty years when we can do it now! With more average mums and dads owning shares, it'll surely be a fun way to kick off the next hundred years.
Sell You Dumb Cunts!
My simple advice to everyone is to panic. I mean, for fuck's sake, I could float this fucking website on the Stock Market and it would make a fortune. The only thing is, I could fucking be bothered. So rather than have the stock market mock my laziness, I call for everyone to start spreading vile rumours about the stock market. Here's a couple of things to get you all started:
- Companies are Supposed to Make Profits!
Yep, you dumb cunts buying up technology stocks have lost site of your hand under all that hair. If a company posts a loss, with no concrete future forecast for profit, it means it's a fucked buy. Unload that worthless stock before some smarter cunt beats you to the mark.
- Financial Planners are Paid on Commission
What's that? You didn't know their job is to sell you worthless shares so they can fund their kids through college while your retarded children watch their parents piss their money up the wall? You dumb turds, unload your shares right this second. Don't wait, blow it all away.
Watch the Plebs Destroy the Internet
Sure, Y2K was a big fizzer for everybody, and February 29 will probably pass by unnoticed (some computers will literally not notice at all) but let me tell you, when hundreds of thousands of people frantically log on to their internet account in a desperate binge of selling, you can guarantee some fucked up American is going to sue AOL for their failure to log in and unload their AOL shares, in front of a jury. They're going to win and they're going to be very rich. Of course, all the tech companies wont have any money any more, so they'll all go out of business. End result? The end of the internet, or at least, back into the hands of a bunch of nerd losers somewhere. Aaaah, happy days.
Copyright February 2000 © Spunion