US Military Train on Doom:
"Where's My Medpack!" and Other Fun Tales

An Introduction

A Military Expert, and you know he's an expert because he was in the army and appeared on 60 Minutes, said that Murder Simulators taught the children of today how to become effective killers. Children now performed classic military/Navy Seals/TRG type moves like "strafing", "reloading", "head shots" and "not shooting at things that are already dead" on an almost daily basis. This was bad news because it meant kids were not only proficient killers waiting for an easily accessible Super Shotgun or Guass Cannon, but they were also bypassing advanced (expensive) military training. After all, if anyone should be teaching people how to kill, it should be the Government.

Now the key thing to come out of the story is this -- the US Military, not to be outdone by a bunch of pimply nerds, bought and site licenced a whole bunch of copies of Doom and gave them to their Troops. This seems to explain a number of things.

Friendly Fire

If you play Doom for any amount of time, you'll notice a couple of things. Firstly, the enemies all try to kill you. Secondly, everything is your enemy. Thirdly, it's better to kill your enemies before they start to try killing you. This goes a long way to explain friendly fire casualties in US Ground engagements. If you've got a bunch of soldiers, broken down, then built back up on Doom, that moment when that big guy with the gun is waving and yelling "move forward troops" is one moment where you have ample opportunity to shoot without having to worry about being shot at. So you'd better hit enter.

End of Level Monsters

The average US soldier knows one thing for sure -- when they chew through this front line of enemy shooting things, they're going to face some kind of super-charged bad guy. In Iraq, it was this guy with a moustache who may or may not have had the ability to shoot things with his eyeballs. This is almost definitely why Ground Engagements never got very close to Baghdad. The prospect of a rectally enhanced troop of fire-farting monkies was too unnerving for the US troops. And that's why the French were sent in with their tanks. Because in Half-life, vehicles are only accessible when they're on railroads.

Where's My Medpack!

Probably one of the biggest concerns for US Ground Troops is running out of ammunition and the fact that getting shot once hurts a lot. This has contributed to a deep feeling of inadequacy amongst the troops as they are not even a quartar of the man they see blasting baddies while playing Quake. Firstly, they seem to get to 10% health after being hit by crowbars only once. Secondly, their first aid kits don't work like those medpacks and aren't littered around the battlefield in convenient locations after hard bits. And thirdly, they don't get any field armour. This also explains the deep mistrust of military command, thus undermining their on-field ability and high friendly fire kill ratio. Not only that, they usually only get to play with one weapon and when they run out of ammo, they've got to go home for some more. Or worse, ask somebody carrying a gun for some of theirs.

The Verdict

To maximise the military's efficiency, the Spunion advises a very simple plan of action. Upgrade the computer network and install a new game. Perhaps getting some computer nerds to program murder simulators that better reflect typical combat conditions. Or better yet, just get a bunch of high school nerds and send them into battle. After all, there they're going to be whining about something anyway.