Phantom Menace - Episode One

Stars Wars: A Phantom Menace doesn't suck - You Do

Also read: Abridged Script by Rod Hilton

A long time ago. . .

In a galaxy far away. It's a bit like Shakespeare, really. This is the entry to Star Wars, one of the greatest movie franchises (in every sense of the word) ever to be created. From the bowels of Georage Lucas we were give Episodes 4, 5 and 6 in the early 1980s (or whenever). Now, we are greeted with Episode 1 - with more to come. And to all you naysayers who thought the Phantom Menace Sucked, I say it doesn't suck, you do. And here's why. . .

An Adaptive Original Plot

Many complaints I've heard is that this Episode really didn't have a very strong script, particularly considering that it was 3 years in the making. Well, that's the point you idiots. It's not meant to be original, it's meant to be Episode One of a sci-fi franchise you all know and love. In any case, I've compiled a list of each alleged "in-originalities" and explained them away. Perfectly.

Why is a Power Generator in the Throne Room?
The Throne Room & Palace are central, and provide "life" to the rest of the planet.
Bottomless Pit
While a bottomless pit is located quite often in movies, this usage was really a celebration of this ground breaking concept - Obi Won clung for life then used the Force to flip up out of the pit. And cut Darth Maul in half. Now, don't tell me you've seen that before.
Obi Won Konobi dragging the light sabre to his hand using the force to kill Darth Maul, just like Luke did.
This is quite a simple question to answer. The ability to teleport things to your hand is basically the be all and end all of Jedi mastership -- that's why he automatically became a Jedi and got to have Anakin as his apprentice despite no experience or testing and a rebellious streak. It had nothing to do with killing Darth Maul, that was just a bonus.
Flying inside Battle-ships to blow them up -- isn't that like blowing up the death star?
Clearly, George was showing that Anikan Skywalker is Luke's dad, just in case you hadn't picked it up. As a result, the force makes them experience similar things, so Luke was just doing what his dad did.
I thought the Queen said "We'll have to take the Long Way" - but the Jedi's ended up with Darth Maul in a place that looked nowhere near the Throne Room.
You just don't understand the movie.
In the Pod-Race, How come Anakin could catch up and then suddenly only have equal speed with Spatula - don't objects moving faster than other objects continue to move faster even when they are next to those other objects.
You just don't understand the movie. It was the Force.
And wasn't that pod-race a rip off of Ben Hur?
Did Ben Hur have a computer game out called "Star Wars Racer?". No.
Didn't Luke beat Darth Vader by using the force to get his light sabre just like Obi-Won against Darth Maul?
What you didn't realise is that you can't kill a Sith unless you use mental telepathy. Particularly to get light sabres that are just out of reach. Clearly, you don't understand the movie.

I think we've sorted those problems out. Onto the next.

George Lucas Can't Direct

Quite a few people seem to think George Lucas, a veteran film maker of at least five feature length movies, can't direct. They say "you can tell the last film he directed was Star Wars: Episode Four" and complain about jarring cuts, eye wrenching pans and a totally idiotice reliance on CGI crap. Let me tell you a little something "mesethinks you stupid".

George Lucas has pioneered a new style of directing in this movie. It involves an immersion in the computer-internet-technology age we live in. It walks and talks the speak of a generation that says "tell me my information in 30 seconds". This movie would have taken 5 hours if a dick like James Cameron directed it. No, economy and style - this is what that movie was all about. You probably saw it on a screen that was far too small with crappy speakers anyway.

Jar Jar Binks sucked

Get real. I mean, you're already thinking of him as a character - so clearly you have forgotten that he is just a product of technology. What an amazing thing technology has made you do - escape realism! Now, isn't that movies are for? Isn't that why you went to Star Wars? Hey, you went remember. That thing, Jar Jar Binks was like Groucho and Marx and the guy from Police Academy all in one. Class.

Stupid/Primitive/Subserviant things all Ethnic Minorities

Now here's a ridiculous claim. People have said that the Vice Roy in charge of the invading force sounded Japanese. And Jar Jar et al sounded Jamaican. And that all the black people were kicking boys for other people. And the empire was ruled by white, middle aged Americans. Well, just remember America is better than you. And in any case, Yoda didn't look like an American did he? Palpatine is a Sith anyway! And that Queen (Natalie Portman) sounded pretty English to me. She was Naboo anyway. I think you're just stupid.

It Destroyed the "Religion" of Star Wars

So the Force is all because of those mitochlorides (or whatever) in your blood. George was telling you that you've got to believe in food chains, in symbiotic relationships. You have to get with it, like Oprah says, "get with the programme". Yeah.

Oh, and just because Anakin was an only child doesn't mean it was anything like Jesus.

Conclusion - in short

You clearly didn't understand the movie. It was about the force. Now leave Star Wars alone - it's just another independent film from the great land that is Hollywood!

James Cameron is not a complete dick. After directing such rubbish as Aliens and True Lies, he did direct that masterpiece Titanic. Leo should have got an Oscar.