One year anniversary of the Spunion and we're Simon Pegmo's looking for love. Seeing as I spend 48 hours of every single day on the internet trying to think of new material for this on-line magazine, I haven't had any time to find a meaningful relationship. Seeing as I can now get food as well as get paid without moving from in front of my computer, I might as well get jiggy with some internet babes.
Naturally, we are following the footsteps of our personal hero, and possible disciple, 10K4AWife. I know that it is rather strange to idolise somebody who probably follows you around all the time, but putting in one degree of separation between oneself and one's narcissism makes you sound like less of a tool. If you don't understand this paragraph, maybe you should stop masturbating and eat some fruit. Or just visit this site and glow in the glory of a nazi pig.
Now, I know what you're thinking. This is just some poor excuse for me to show my arse in public again. But hey, this time it's personal*. So here's the list of reputable partner finding sites I've signed up to:
However, if you want to send me your beenz so I can purchase a contact stamp or two, just let me know. I'll promise to write all about it, with only a horrendous amount of exageration.
My flirtatious tactic to increase my rating is to tell people the following:
What the hell that has to do with this article is really irrelevant, except that 'rimming' is a popular theme throughout this website. If you don't know what rimming is, click here. It's got nothing to do with rimming, but after reading that you'll be too busy preparing yourself for nuclear devestation to care.
Give your mobile phone number to a serial rapist today. **
A fun website for 12-25 year olds. Just as dodgey as it sounds.
Some kind of joke gone out of control. Much like this place.
Proves porn is still porn even when it's post-modern deconstructionist.
Classy website where guys posing as girls post nude pictures they've found from somewhere on here.
Blue Sky Frog
Unfortunately, they wouldn't post my profile. Apparently, listing this as my favourite website offended their sensibilities. Frankly, I don't see how offering people's mobile phone numbers to potential serial rapists with money is somehow worse than having a website that says fuck a whole lot. But that's what you get when you're the head of an evil multi-national corporation*.
Rate My Picture
Going strong at position 1600, with an average rating of 5.25. Fortunately, I don't value my self-esteem on the quality of a picture I stole from here. Unfortunately, I stole it from my own profile.
Wanna a husband?
Responses have been few and far between, but I'm still confident. Apparently, I look like Andrew Denton.
Spark Match
No success at all. Brief interest shown by a 37 year old single mother, who thought I was some kind of Corporate Attorney in Kicking Arse. Unfortunately, that's only at night. My inability to pay for her children's tuition and schooling (two separate and distinct activities) left me without a cyber-relationship nor any chance of doing what these people seem to do all the time.
Nerve
Staggering failure. Partly due to the fact anyone who contacts me is an art house dickhead who finds being called an austic hydrocenphalic moose bunter offensive. Just remember: if you're going to do a Arts Philosophy major, just remember that you are a complete and utter tool, and that your ability to footnote the utter mastubatory bullshit that spews out of your talking-hole just exacerbates the mind numbing aura of boredom that cloaks everyone you meet.
Adult Friend Finder
Unfortunately, used up all of my 'free contacts' mistakenly looking at naked people in Austria. Would have been fantastic if I lived 10 000 kilometers to the North. That's okay, though, because I'm fairly confident I don't want to meet any of those people. Ever.
Old Man Murray
If you visit Old Man Murray you will see how spectacularly well the Spunion did in the law suit competition. Alas, we did not emerge victors (that was clearly some kind of repressed heterosexual pre-modern conspiracy) but we did pole 37 and 39. Can't be bothered scrolling down? Just ctrl-F for the word RIMMING.
* Didtn't make any sense to me either.
** The girls are probably not really girls at all.
Copyright Spunion September 2000
The views expressed here are most definitely the views of Spunion.