Of course, all of this happened after about half an hour of sitting making poo jokes while waitresses seemed to go out of their way to look away whenever we tried to call them over. All this finished when the Manager, a strapping Indian lad, ordered one of the waitresses over to our table. She was very friendly.
The food was quite good, albeit somewhat over-priced. We discovered that 12 years of schooling plus tertiary degrees (or just about in my case), and even a Science degree, left us completely unable to add $3.25 + $3.95 + $3.95 + $3.50. In fact, we couldn't even remember more than two sums at once, between the three of us. We did, however, manage to make some cranes and an excellent paper-tetrahedron which the cashier commented to be "very decorative". Of course, I tried to pay the coffee machine before I figured out what I was doing.
Incidentally, there were 3 policeman having a meal there (you'd think they'd have play-boxed lunches or something) and one couple left without paying.
| Service | 1/2 a Star | I believe the Staff are dimly aware of the concept, and the Manager would want it better but is too busy making sure no-one electrocutes themselves or something. But half an hour in a near empty eatery is not fast food. They were friendly. Sort of. And lots of paper for Cranes and tetra-hedrons. |
| Food Quality | 2 and a Half Stars | Lovely drinks and, as a drunk once told us, "this is the best burger mate. Eat it or I'll be you up. Okay, I'll get my car and run you over. |
| Food Diversity | 2 and a Half Stars | Plenty of burgers and variations of, plus fun drinks |
| Price | 1 Star | Too much for the quality. |
| Environment | 1 and a Half Stars | Pretending to look American is not usually very convincing. I saw the floor of the kitchen and was pleased they did sweep them at least. Plethora of dangerous looking people gives the place a nice ambience. |
| Staff Attractiveness: | 2 Stars | Well, they got a bonus star for the neat strapping Manager guy. I mean, it is Fremantle. |
| Overall: | 2 Stars | Good Food, a bit expensive and very smegging slow |
This place I was at was called Crown f*cken Casino or some sh*t, and so I thought I'd go in and have a few live pigs as you do after a long day of firing people. So initially I thought the place was f*cken sh*t with these dumb b*tch waitresses who wouldn't even let you spit pig's blood at them. So then I thought to myself that this place wouldn't be so sh*t if I owned it so one hostile takeover later, here's "Fudge" Packer's review of Kerry's Ripper Fucken Crown Restaurant and Casino.
Service
5 f*cken stars
Only the best platinum blondes to lavish every f*cken desire upon you as long as it strictly adheres to to the Liquor Licencing Act and some law to do with food and bare skin and stuff. Although I'd like to see the f*cken Health Department try and take on my f*cken lawyers.
Food Quality
5 f*ken stars
We grow our pigs fresh out the back and you can have them killed before your very eyes by a buxom wench to ensure quality. At KRFCRC, we pride ourselves on the finest in f*ken pork products and if you don't like it you can just f*ck off.
Food Diversity
5 f*ken stars
We have at least 6 distinct breeds of pig for all your culinary wishes. As we say "If it isn't served at KRFCRC, it isn't a f*ken pig".
Environment
5 f*ken stars
Come experience our world's f*ken best eating atmosphere. If your fat arse isn't comfortable, you're probably sitting on your f*ken fork. And don't forget to drop in on the Southern Hemisphere's biggest functioning vomitorium.
Price
5 f*ken stars
Of course, if you're actually going to go around looking for a place that does what we do for f*ken less money, you need your f*ken head seeing to. Price doesn't fucken matter when dealing with a porcine delight. Any complaints of overcharging can be taken to the ACCC. I'd like to see them do any f*ken thing about it.
Staff Attractiveness
5 f*ken stars
Haven't we already gone over this? Every f*ken piece of t*ty working the joint is as rootable a blood soaked maiden as you're ever likely to see. Rest assured every f*ken one has personally passed the "Fudge" Packer Certified Test.
Overall
5 f*ken stars
Eat anywhere else and I'll send some fucken guys around. I know where you f*ken live.
Fast Eddies Carousel
| Service | * * | You do get served before you die, but not much before. Pretty much on part with Fremantle's service. |
| Food Quality | * | I don't think they've reclassified rubber as food, although the chips did seem to come from sone kind of potatoe like fungi. Or it could have been really soft rubber. |
| Food Diversity | * * | There were several different dishes, as per Eddies in Fremantle. Extra star for introducing rubber to the menu. |
| Price | fuck off | Over priced. If I want to pay $7 for rubber, I'll buy a fucking tire and stew it. |
| Environment | * * | Ambient surrounds of Fast Eddies. Seemed to be conscious of cleanliness. Sort of. |
| Staff Attractiveness: | * * | Hard bloody thing to find in this corner of the universe. So they get extra marks, given the poor genetic material available. |
| Overall: | * | I'd eat there if the Foundry was closed. And it usually is. By the way, the red wine tastes like water that once had a grape floating in it. Baldivis Estate, move over. |